Diary of a Newbie Gym Goer

Thanks for forwarding this to me, Cj!

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
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TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
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SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Red Apple Sangria

There is nothing I love more than Sangria. Okay, thats not true.. I love a lot of things more than alcohol. Like loaded mashed potatos. And dogs. And cat hair. But mmmmm baby I love red apple sangria. And its the perfect summer time, sit out on your deck or porch or lawn or driveway or gravel road with a book or burger drink. This goes with everything. I would even drink it in the middle of the winter huddled up next to a blazing fireplace. Yup, its that good.

Supplies:

~3oz sutter home cabernet sauvinon wine
~1oz dekuyper red apple liqueur
~2oz fruit punch~2oz 7up (or spring or sierra mist or whatever)
~2 Maraschino cherries
~1 orange slice
~1/2 medium red apple, sliced into chunks
~1 lime wedge

Dump the liquids into a shaker and mix gently (dont shake, just roll). Pour into large glass. Skewer the apple chunks and cherries on toothpicks and set into glass, hang orange slice on edge and let lime float in glass. Enjoy!

Drink at your own risk

Different Viewpoints

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:

• 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
• 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
• 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
• 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
• 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
• 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
• 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
• 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
• 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
• 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
• 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously stupid.The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . .
~Author Unknown

Misc Weekend

What a beautiful weekend! At least here it was. Friday was terrible, super high dewpoints and humidity so thick you could swim in it. But some storms rolled through that really cooled things down and gave us a perfect weekend.

Sunday I drove a rescue transport from Clear Lake, Ia back into Minnesota. 4 beautiful Australian Shepherds and a Husky mix found rescue this weekend. Its fun to drive those runs and I would recommend it to anybody. You meet such fabulous people and even cooler dogs.

One of the Aussies came home with me. Her name is Umi. I'm having trouble coming up with a new name for her... Originally I was thinking Cami or Cam or Cameron or or or... But I really like the name Frankie. I know its a boys name. But why does it have to be a boys name? Last night I was watching an old AFV (America's Funniest Home Videos) with Daisy Fuentes hosting, and Umi started barking at something outside, so I yelled to her and accidentally called her Daisy. Shes not a Daisy.

This is Umi. Or Cami. Or Frankie. Isnt she beautiful? Shes a blue merle Aussie. Shes very small, probalby only 35lbs or so. I love her to death already. I see agility in this girls future!
Jake was feeling pretty confident going into this brawl. His 75lbs could take her scrawny little butt no problem. But he was wrong.
Umi is quick. And agile. And super athletic. And she may be just a baby yet, but she can hold her own.


Tennis balls are her life. She will do anything for a tennis ball. And this stuffed bird, which I can honestly say I have no idea where that bird came from...



Saw the movie "Hancock" over the weekend with Red. Great movie, I would highly recommend it. It was actually quite funny and there are surprises that I didnt anticipate. Go see it! Next we are going to see Wanted, and after that, X files. I always liked X files because I love the paranormal stuff. But Red is obsessed with XFiles.. And the thought of an X files movie coming out, well, he acts like I would if there were a "Friends" movie coming out.
What, there's a Friends movie coming out???? Oh, wait, that was me. Well they need to make a damn movie already.
Oh, I almost chopped my finger off this weekend. My right pinkie. Yup. Bled all over the place, I think it went down to the bone. And it was at just the right angle that a little bit of fat can be seen in there even. Sorry, I dont mean to be graphic. But, well, I had to see it. The least I can do is tell you about it. Dont worry, I'm not posting pictures of it. But its all good because since I broke my right hand a couple years back, I already learned how to do everything with my left hand.
Have a great week, folks!

Love Em

4th of July recap

I did it. I finally sat my butt at my computer and I updated this site. Woo! And don't give me grief for finally posting 4th of July pictures a whole week after the fact. You know I'm a procrastinator! This should not surprise a one of you. Now, can we get down to business??? Its like 101 degrees outside. Minnesota would be the perfect state if not for the 90% humidity all summer long. And maybe the -75 winter windchills could give it a rest too... Oh, wait, thats not what you are here for. You're right, I'm not a weather man. Okay.

Can I just start out by pointing out that I do not kid when I talk about my hippy sister. She's a hippy. A hippy, folks. Do not call me a lier. Just take a look for yourself.

That's a hippy if I ever saw one.

"But Emmy, dont you think Tess will be mad at you for posting pictures of her on your website without her permission?"

No. This girl waived those rights by being born 3 years after moi. I came first. She came second. And I never let her forget it.

Naw.. I love her. Doesnt she look so pretty?! And in all honesty, since I am all about keepin' it real around here, she actually told me to sit my butt down at this computer and get the 4th of July pictures posted. So she has no room to crab. Love you, sistah!

Following the town street dance the evening before, and considering my glorious hangover, we all decided to head down to the central park to join in the festivities and see the parade. We first enjoyed some Pronto Pups. Who doesnt love a good foot long Pronto Pup doused in ketchup and mustard? Tell me who!

Sister Tess certainly has nothing negative to say about these amazing grease coated dogs.

In the picture above Tess and her dog, I would like to affectionately point out the Cool Delicious Malts stand in the background. Ohhhh how I love that stand. I love dairy, I love cheese, I love milk, I love malts, and I love cheese. I love everything dairy, especially ice cream. But especially I love cheese.

The crowd was thick.. Everybody in town shows up for at least one pronto pup and cheese curd.

What in God's name is this mess?



I eyed the stuff for a while... A little unsure. But my ever lovin' affection for cheese won over, as always, and I sampled the concoction. It wasnt bad. Curly fries and beef and cheese. Oh heavenly cheeeeese....

Tess loves cheese too... Look, I'll prove it

And Red, well... You know I think he gets his share of amusement out of watching Tess and I converse. Tess and I talk in code. And while I made that up and its not really code, listening to Tess and I talk to each other is probably a little mind numbing for the average person. But I wouldnt know because I'm not average. I'm special. Wait....

On to the parade. Our town holds one of the largest Independance Day parades in southern Minnesota. And I'm proud of that, considering that the town itself consists of like 1500 people.

Let me start this parade segment with the brave men and woman who work day and night to serve and protect.

If you know me based on this website alone, than you are not yet aware of my passion for horses. You arent aware that nearly every scar and bruise and broken bone on my body has come from these giant equine animals. Those of you who do know me are going to roll your eyes and shake your head when you think back to the horse run. When I used to run around like a horse, thinking I was a horse. Now, reflect on this site, which is canine devoted, and you think about that statement. I love horse more than I love dogs. Oh yeah. Which is why the mounted posse gets first in line in Em's Parade lineup.

Next, fireman! I love fireman. But I hope they never have to visit my house.

With my horse background, my mentor, Tami, made certain us girls could drive a tractor with a shit spreader behind it. And the tractor I learned on was her old Alice, just like this one. Well, not just like it. This one is much shinier than the Alice I learned on. But just as reliable..



I love this little semi thing. Its like smaller than a golf cart... That kid looks huge in it.



And on the walk home, we saw that one of our dear neighbors had a tree that had been hit by lightening during one of the recent storms...

Tess was awed...

It still even smelled like burning wood. And Tess, being a hippy, hugged the tree. Okay no I dont think she actually hugged the tree. But probably she thought about hugging it. Right? No? But thats what hippies do, right? Hug trees? No? Well what do they do then, huh smarty pants?

Happy 4th of July everybody!
Love Em

Family Camping 08

I have finally managed to steal back the camera from my ever loving fisherman hubby and have been able to upload the camping trip pictures..
This place was absolutely beautiful.... Those of you who know me know how fond I am of willow trees...



Shortly after arriving and getting set up, the storms came in.


But you know there is something quite fascinating about being so vulnerable to the elements in such a brilliant area of the state. It was fun! And eventually the rain dissipated and the wind died down, and we were left with a partial rainbow...


We had a couple of stray outcasts join us for the duration of the storms (which last a day and a half) Russell and Lucy are two little JRT's who showed up Saturday morning and stayed with us for the remainder of the trip. I dont know why Red keeps saying that he doesnt like dogs... I think he lies...




We had two canine Jakes this year... My own handsome labby boy, plus a 5 month old Silke Terrier. Do not call him a Yorkie. I did, and I was immediately corrected. Jake is a Silke Terrier. And ohhhhhh i wanted to take him home. Look at those ears!!



Jake and Jake got along just fine...



And Sensi... 4 year old Rottweiler and Jakes cousin... She is the least scary Rottie I've ever met.



Can't forget Marion, Momma D and Dori... They arent scary either.




And to leave you, I will include this stupid sign. Red did not appreciate this sign one bit.




4th updates to come! Stay tuned!

Love Em

Red Hair

I haven't forgotten about ya'll. Promise. I finally managed to get away from my house for more than a few hours! And not to work, but to play!

This weekend was Red's annual family camping trip, and since this is now my 5th year going, its like the biggest summer thing I look forward to. Even more than the fair, yes. Red has got a wonderful family and I feel blessed that they will soon be my own family. Not to say my own family isnt wonderful too... I think my family is the best on the planet. And we have a lot of fun when we get together. But my family doesnt have annual camping trips, or any kind of annual thing. Its too hard because we all live so scattered around the country.

The irony in being a part of this trip is this: Reds cousin, Kara, was my best friend growing up. So you see, Red's family deemed me as theirs long before Red and I ever met. It's a family full of red heads, and while I've always claimed to have no attraction to red heads, clearly I've been lying to myself my whole life. I was always envious of Kara's long red hair. I've only realized this recently. Now I'm surrounded by red hair, including my own animals, and based on the dominence of the different hair colors and genetics, it looks as though my children will also have red hair.
I'm doomed to future full of sunscreen and sunburns and freckles. But you know what? It doesnt scare me nearly as much as it once did. Red seemed to grow up just fine. :o)

My long weekend was much needed and I loved spending it with my future family. I couldnt ask for better inlaws.

And this is why I havent posted anything since the 26th. I promise tomorrow I will post pictures from the weekend. Promise!!!

Love Em