Comfort

I needed to blog today. Blogging, and viewing the blogs written by my fellow followed bloggers, is a source of comfort for me.

Fellow followed bloggers?  Yeah.

I'm the type of person who is weirded out, wigged out, freaked out by the most random things. When it comes to my health, it get freaked out when something goes wrong.

For instance, Wednesday afternoon at lunch time, I broke a tooth. 

I broke.  A tooth.

I was chewing my sandwich and my tooth just broke off. 

My first reaction was panic, quickly followed by denial.  This did not just happen!  It's a dream!  Wake up!  But alas, it was not a dream. A hunk of one of my molars is gone. Well not gone. Its probably still in my truck somewhere after I dropped it when my hands went numb.

The rest of the afternoon was spent in a fuzzy, nauseating mood.

Thursday morning, I went to the dentist, where I was given a hoard of good and bad news. The good news is, they can probably fix it.  The bad news?  The cost to fix my mouth will run me around $7000, on the high side.  If they dont have to do a root canal on my broken tooth, then it will be more like $5500. Ish.

I left the dentist office and before I even reached my truck to drive to work, I burst into tears. The panic of knowing that I had 6 hours worth of dental work ahead of me. (The dentist is one of my greatest fears. I'd rather fly on a plane than go to the dentist. Those of you who know me will understand the power of that statement.)  The fear of knowing that I don't have $7000 sitting in the bank to spend on my teeth.  Then once those feelings had been dampened down, the sheer shame of feeling like I was going to disappoint Red. We have so many dreams and goals together.  $7000 would surely shatter them all.

I was only able to make it through about 3.5 hours of work yesterday.  I was so worked up over the entire thing that I hadnt eaten since my tooth had broken, which was over 24 hours. I finally went home and took a nap. Then Red came home and we talked about it. And he assured me that none of the things that we are planning for are more important than getting myself healthy.  He's so amazing.

Today I feel okay. There is a thick, sickening layer of stress floating in my gut currently. I cant seem to push past it.  I'm waiting for a phone call back from the dentist to tell me if they will let me do a payment plan. Until I know, I dont think the stress will go away.  Once I have an idea of the plan, I will feel better about it. After this, the actual terrifying procedure will seem like nothing.

Things are not as bad as they seem. I cant seem to wrap my head around that though. I'm not dying. I'm not in that much pain. And its just money. I'll have enough eventually. So why cant I just be happy that its going to be a beautiful weekend and I dont have a damn thing planned? I get to relax.